Brave, Not Brutal: How To Give Feedback That Fuels Growth, Not Fear

Jaide Massin
15 minutes ago
4 min read

If there’s one theme that keeps surfacing in my coaching sessions with leaders—across industries, levels and cultures—it’s this: Giving feedback is one of the hardest parts of leadership. Not because leaders don’t know feedback is important. They do. It’s because they don’t want to come across as harsh, unkind or worse ... mean.

So, they hesitate. They water things down. They wait for the "right moment," which often never comes. Meanwhile, performance slips, clarity erodes and frustration quietly grows on both sides.

The truth is, giving feedback doesn’t have to feel brutal. In fact, when it’s done well, it can be one of the most motivating and growth-oriented tools a leader has.

Feedback Isn’t The Problem—It’s How We Frame It

Too many of us have been conditioned to see feedback as criticism. Something that points out flaws, mistakes and shortcomings. But feedback—at its best—isn’t about what went wrong. It’s about what’s possible next.

Harvard Business Review research backs this up: 92% of people say corrective feedback improves performance—if it’s delivered well. That’s the key. And it’s where many leaders get stuck.

Here’s the mindset shift I offer to my coaching clients: Feedback isn’t a judgment. It’s an investment in someone’s future.

Avoiding Feedback Doesn’t Make You 'Nice'—It Makes You Unclear

One of the biggest traps leaders fall into is believing that avoiding hard conversations makes them kind. I get it—no one wants to hurt feelings or deal with tension. But as Brené Brown puts it: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."

When we don’t give honest feedback, we rob people of the chance to improve. We leave them guessing. And often, the frustration we’re trying to avoid leaks out anyway—in tone, in avoidance, in missed opportunities.

Leadership requires bravery. That means having the courage to say what needs to be said—without blame, without shame and always with the intention to help.

How Do You Give Feedback That Motivates?

Here are three practical strategies I use with leaders to make feedback both effective and empowering:

1. Tie it to purpose.

Most people want to do good work. They want to grow. So, instead of focusing solely on what didn’t go well, connect the feedback to their why.

Instead of saying:

"Your presentation wasn’t clear."

Try:

"Clearer slides would help you land your message more effectively—and build the credibility you’re working toward with leadership."

Wharton research shows that employees are more engaged when they feel progress toward a meaningful goal. Help them connect the dots between what you’re saying now and where they want to go.

2. Use 'Continue, start, stop.'

This simple framework helps structure feedback in a way that feels balanced and forward-looking:

• Continue what’s working.

• Start what will help them grow.

• Stop what’s holding them back.

"Continue, start, stop" removes the sting and focuses on behaviors—not identity. I use this in coaching all the time, and leaders find it helps guide clearer, less emotionally charged conversations.

3. Ask before you tell.

This is the real unlock. When you start by asking for their perspective, you shift the tone of the conversation from directive to collaborative.

Try:

"How do you think that went?"

"What do you feel strongest about, and where would you like support?"

Research shows people are more open to feedback when they feel heard. When they get to self-assess first, they’re more likely to take action on what comes next.

Having Tough Conversations Without Losing Trust

Let’s be real: Some conversations are tough. Maybe the stakes are high, the pattern has gone on too long or emotions are running hot. That’s when it’s even more important to slow down and get intentional.

Here’s a simple script I share with leaders:

"This might be a bit uncomfortable to hear, but I’m sharing it because I care about your success and want to help you move forward."

That one sentence frames everything. You’re not attacking; they’re not in trouble. You’re partnering with them.

And remember: You don’t have to have the whole conversation perfectly planned. Prepare your key points, but stay open to dialogue. The goal isn’t to control the conversation—it’s to connect.

Feedback Builds Culture

At the end of the day, how you give feedback sets the tone for your team culture. High-performing teams give and receive regular, high-quality feedback. When leaders model that it’s safe to be direct, others follow. And when feedback becomes a normal part of how we grow—not a surprise, not a punishment—we create teams that learn fast and perform even faster.

Giving feedback isn’t about being mean. It’s about being brave enough to care out loud. It’s about telling the truth in service of someone’s growth, not their ego. And it’s about creating a culture where people know that if something’s off, you won’t stay silent—you’ll help them get better.

That’s not just good leadership. That’s the kind of leadership that builds trust, drives performance and makes the whole organization stronger.

Jaide Massin, Author & Executive Coach, is founder of Soar Executive Coaching helping leaders grow with clarity, courage, and impact.

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